The following letter, purportedly written to seek relief for
television and Bollywood star producer Ekta Kapoor from the income-tax
raids on her premises earlier today, landed in our mailbox. It appears
to have been written by Mark-on-day Kkat-Jew, who claims to be India’s
Foremost Motormouth who has built up quite a reputation as a tireless
campaigner for the rights of the rich and the famous to not abide by the
tiresome laws that apply to other lowly citizens. We have no way of
verifying the authenticity of the letter, but since we’re sufficiently
impressed by Kkat-Jew’s record in the cause of the high and mighty who
obviously have no one to speak up on their behalf, we’re reproducing it
here in good faith.
To
The CBDT Chairperson
New Delhi
Dear Madam
You may know me as Mark-on-Day Kkat-Jew, India’s Foremost Motormouth with a propensity to inflict my worldview on everything under the sun on, well, everyone under the sun, moon and stars.
I consider it a wasted day if I cannot shoot off an angry or
righteous letter to someone in authority to set right some grave
injustice somewhere in India. This despite the fact that fools – who, as
I’ve always said, account for 90 percent of India’s population – claim
that I hold a quasi-constitutional office and should therefore be
measured in my public statements. Seriously, which planet are they from!
Do they even know how boring and pedestrian their lives would be if I
didn’t fire up my Motormouth engine at least once a day and take it for a
spin?
You may recall that recently I exerted myself strenuously on behalf of Sanju Baba, seeking the Governor’s pardon for him after he was sentenced to imprisonment by the lowly Supreme Court on the ground that he possessed some firearms. The whole thing was a colossal exaggeration, of course: the naughty little Sanju Baba was merely playing with his toy gun, but since 90 percent of Indians are fools who can’t tell their elbow from their rear end, they mistook it for an AK-56. And the judges – who, being Indians, also fall within the 90 percent category as I’ve defined them – bought this flimsy story and sentenced him unjustly to imprisonment.
I was the first one to speak up on behalf of the totally powerless Sanju Babu, arguing that since he had already undergone 18 months in jail, and hailed from a good family, had popularized Mahatma Gandhi’s peacenik message through his movies – and above all else, has adorable puppy-fat cheeks that are asking to be pinched – he deserved to be pardoned. That clemency campaign, which I’m proud to have initiated, has acquired a momentum of its own.
In recent days, I have been feeling pretty listless because I couldn’t come across any blatant instance of injustice for the poor little rich folks of India that may require my humble intervention to set right. But just this afternoon, I learnt about the income tax raids on the premises of TV and Bollywood producer-director Ekta Kapoor and her father and actor Jeetendra, which is why I’m writing to you.
Madam, I don’t know how much you know of Ekta Kapoor and her family, but I feel your department has acted unjustly against her for alleged tax evasion without considering her extraordinary contributions to society, particularly in ensuring more tax rupees come into the offer. When you come to know of these contributions, I have no doubt that you will instruct your department to drop all these frivolous proceedings against Ekta Kapoor.
Let me offer you five reasons why Ekta Kapoor should be spared from these IT raids.
1. Through her family-oriented teleserials, she has taught an entire generation of Indian women the social graces of how to conduct themselves within the family – or face expulsion. Sociologists concede that her serials are arguably the most potent threat to the joint family culture. But then, that automatically means many more nuclear households, with more drivers of consumption, all of which contribute more tax money. By rights, all those tax credits ought to come to Ekta Kapoor.
2. Similarly, through her serials, Ekta Kapoor taught millions of Indian women the art of dressing flashily, which has spun off fashion lines and kept the wheels of commerce spinning. Again, all those contribute tax money to the exchequer, for which too she deserves tax credits.
3. Through her Tulsi character, Ekta Kapoor has framed the ideal qualities in a family woman in a way that everyone in India – 90 percent of whom are fools – appreciates and aspires for. What more need I say other than that matrimonial advertisements ask for prospective brides to be “like Tulsi”. The nation owes her a debt of gratitude for defining the qualities needed in every woman.
4. To Ekta Kapoor goes the credit for introducing the first prime-time lip-lock on a teleserial, as immortalized by this scene. Evidently, young couples end up watching her soap operas till late-night, and as we know from the wisdom of Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad, late-night television is the most effective population control measure. For her contributions in this sphere, Ekta Kapoor deserves a national award, not have taxmen sent to raid her premises.
5. When Ekta Kapoor’s serials are beamed overseas, foreigners get their first up-close look at Indian families and are wonderstruck by the opulence of “middle-class homes”. In that sense, Ekta Kapoor is burnishing the Brand India image overseas. Is raiding her on tax evasion charges the best way of honouring her services?
In matters of taxes, one must in any case take a broad and flexible outlook. Since I can’t find any reference to taxes in the Upanishads that I like quoting from to showcase my intellectual mastery, let me point you to what Oliver Wendell Holmes had to say on the subject. Taxes, he said, are what we pay for a civilized society. And since we don’t have anything like a civilized society, can you really fault Ekta Kapoor for not paying her entire taxes? After all, she didn’t get her end of the deal either.
I could go on and on about her father’s contributions, but I feel I’ve made my case eloquently enough.
Allow me to offer a full disclosure, since mediapersons – all 100 percent of whom I consider fools of the highest order – will surely raise frivolous objections to my appeal on behalf of Ekta Kapoor. I have never met her or her father. But I have been so inspired by the teleserials that she produced that I even changed my name from Kat-Jew to Kkat-Jew as an acknowledgement of Ekta Kapoor’s distinctive naming convention for her productions.
And while it may appear that I am making this appeal on behalf of only one person, I will be happy to take up the case of any other person who has made similar sterling contributions to society and who too faces frivolous charges of tax evasion.
I trust you will consider my appeal to consider Ekta Kapoor’s tax file sympathetically in the light of the above facts. If you are not persuaded, I urge you to watch the television talk shows tonight where I will be amplifying my views on behalf of the poor little rich folks like Ekta Kapoor.
To
The CBDT Chairperson
New Delhi
Dear Madam
You may know me as Mark-on-Day Kkat-Jew, India’s Foremost Motormouth with a propensity to inflict my worldview on everything under the sun on, well, everyone under the sun, moon and stars.
Does Ekta Kapoor deserve a tax break? AFP.
You may recall that recently I exerted myself strenuously on behalf of Sanju Baba, seeking the Governor’s pardon for him after he was sentenced to imprisonment by the lowly Supreme Court on the ground that he possessed some firearms. The whole thing was a colossal exaggeration, of course: the naughty little Sanju Baba was merely playing with his toy gun, but since 90 percent of Indians are fools who can’t tell their elbow from their rear end, they mistook it for an AK-56. And the judges – who, being Indians, also fall within the 90 percent category as I’ve defined them – bought this flimsy story and sentenced him unjustly to imprisonment.
I was the first one to speak up on behalf of the totally powerless Sanju Babu, arguing that since he had already undergone 18 months in jail, and hailed from a good family, had popularized Mahatma Gandhi’s peacenik message through his movies – and above all else, has adorable puppy-fat cheeks that are asking to be pinched – he deserved to be pardoned. That clemency campaign, which I’m proud to have initiated, has acquired a momentum of its own.
In recent days, I have been feeling pretty listless because I couldn’t come across any blatant instance of injustice for the poor little rich folks of India that may require my humble intervention to set right. But just this afternoon, I learnt about the income tax raids on the premises of TV and Bollywood producer-director Ekta Kapoor and her father and actor Jeetendra, which is why I’m writing to you.
Madam, I don’t know how much you know of Ekta Kapoor and her family, but I feel your department has acted unjustly against her for alleged tax evasion without considering her extraordinary contributions to society, particularly in ensuring more tax rupees come into the offer. When you come to know of these contributions, I have no doubt that you will instruct your department to drop all these frivolous proceedings against Ekta Kapoor.
Let me offer you five reasons why Ekta Kapoor should be spared from these IT raids.
1. Through her family-oriented teleserials, she has taught an entire generation of Indian women the social graces of how to conduct themselves within the family – or face expulsion. Sociologists concede that her serials are arguably the most potent threat to the joint family culture. But then, that automatically means many more nuclear households, with more drivers of consumption, all of which contribute more tax money. By rights, all those tax credits ought to come to Ekta Kapoor.
2. Similarly, through her serials, Ekta Kapoor taught millions of Indian women the art of dressing flashily, which has spun off fashion lines and kept the wheels of commerce spinning. Again, all those contribute tax money to the exchequer, for which too she deserves tax credits.
3. Through her Tulsi character, Ekta Kapoor has framed the ideal qualities in a family woman in a way that everyone in India – 90 percent of whom are fools – appreciates and aspires for. What more need I say other than that matrimonial advertisements ask for prospective brides to be “like Tulsi”. The nation owes her a debt of gratitude for defining the qualities needed in every woman.
4. To Ekta Kapoor goes the credit for introducing the first prime-time lip-lock on a teleserial, as immortalized by this scene. Evidently, young couples end up watching her soap operas till late-night, and as we know from the wisdom of Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad, late-night television is the most effective population control measure. For her contributions in this sphere, Ekta Kapoor deserves a national award, not have taxmen sent to raid her premises.
5. When Ekta Kapoor’s serials are beamed overseas, foreigners get their first up-close look at Indian families and are wonderstruck by the opulence of “middle-class homes”. In that sense, Ekta Kapoor is burnishing the Brand India image overseas. Is raiding her on tax evasion charges the best way of honouring her services?
In matters of taxes, one must in any case take a broad and flexible outlook. Since I can’t find any reference to taxes in the Upanishads that I like quoting from to showcase my intellectual mastery, let me point you to what Oliver Wendell Holmes had to say on the subject. Taxes, he said, are what we pay for a civilized society. And since we don’t have anything like a civilized society, can you really fault Ekta Kapoor for not paying her entire taxes? After all, she didn’t get her end of the deal either.
I could go on and on about her father’s contributions, but I feel I’ve made my case eloquently enough.
Allow me to offer a full disclosure, since mediapersons – all 100 percent of whom I consider fools of the highest order – will surely raise frivolous objections to my appeal on behalf of Ekta Kapoor. I have never met her or her father. But I have been so inspired by the teleserials that she produced that I even changed my name from Kat-Jew to Kkat-Jew as an acknowledgement of Ekta Kapoor’s distinctive naming convention for her productions.
And while it may appear that I am making this appeal on behalf of only one person, I will be happy to take up the case of any other person who has made similar sterling contributions to society and who too faces frivolous charges of tax evasion.
I trust you will consider my appeal to consider Ekta Kapoor’s tax file sympathetically in the light of the above facts. If you are not persuaded, I urge you to watch the television talk shows tonight where I will be amplifying my views on behalf of the poor little rich folks like Ekta Kapoor.
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