How Chelsy Davy Responded to Cressida Bonas

Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us as we take a look inside Oprah’s closet, wait in line for the bathroom with ScarJo and Jessica Alba, and text with Sandra and George.

According to multiple reports, Prince Harry will wed Cressida Bonas next year.

Chelsy Davy sips a vodka soda on her terrace, on the phone with her friend. “That wedding is not happening. He’s still gallivanting around the world, living it up. He’s not ready to, you know, push a stroller around a park or talk about decorating a kitchen, or whatever . . . No, you know that I refuse to say her name. It’s a ridiculous name! Every time I say it, I feel like I’m casting a spell.”

Oprah announces she’s going to auction off items from her house to raise proceeds for her leadership academy in Africa.

Oprah’s assistant yells in from a closet. “Can you come in here, O?”

Oprah saunters in. Her assistant is pointing at an open drawer. Visible are 17 gold toothpicks, an autographed picture of Kenny Chesney, an emerald comb, a handwritten letter from George Washington, and a bottle of Marie Antoinette’s perfume.

“Oh, my Drawer of Stuff. No, we’re not auctioning any of this.”

Her assistant looks at her dumbstruck. “This George Washington . . . I don't — this letter says ‘Dear, Oprah,’ but you weren’t born until . . . “

Oprah just smiles as she walks away.

Scarlett Johansson named the “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire for the second time.

“Congrats, Scarlett,” Jessica Alba tells her as they stand in line for the bathroom at an event.

“Oh, thanks . . . I mean, it’s all so silly,” Scarlett laughs. “Like, was I dead for the intervening seven years? In a coma?”

“Well, I’ve never won it,” Jessica frowns.

“Just strangle me here, and it’s yours!” Scarlett cackles. Jessica laughs politely (“Yeah, you better watch out! Hahahha!”), and then the two of them both look down at their phones in silence.